I'm kind of afraid of marriage now. Like REALLY afraid. I'm afraid because marriage doesn't last. The truth is people fall in and out of love; it happens every day. It happens to people I know, people who I encounter on a daily basis. People I've never met. People who don't deserve it. It kind of makes you lose faith in humanity (as if that doesn't happen enough already).
Remember when we were little girls (then teens, then adults) dreaming about the day we would marry our prince charming? (who turns out is not so princely or charming but an inconsiderate, thoughtless, piss-poor excuse for a human being with no integrity whatsoever). I'm beginning to think that I've been wasting so much time fantasizing of the day that I walk down the aisle to my one, true love where we will promise to love each other forever. Dreaming of something that will fall apart 2, 5, 10 years down the road. Dreaming of something that will never exist for me. And that brings up something else that I shouldn't be worrying about: what if I never get the chance to screw it up? What if I'm "doomed" to bachelorette-hood for my whole life?
I feel like I've been quite independent my whole adult life, until I was 23 when I met and had a relationship with the man who I thought I would marry. "She was a smart girl...until she fell in love" (S&TC the Movie). That ruined me. I learned what it was like to be in an adult relationship (well, up until he ended it) which included love, friendship, intimacy, silliness, camaraderie, etc. I let myself fantasize about our future life together (after a long period of wondering when the bottom would fall out because that's what happens to people who are happy, right?) and then it ended quite abruptly without any warning. And then after a week of not eating and months and months of wondering what the hell was wrong with me, why I wasn't good enough, I began to heal. With the help from my AMAZING friends and family I finally realized that it wasn't my fault and attempted to move on.
I'm terrified of never having that again (the good part, obvi). Or having it with another person, which I still can't hardly imagine. I'm terrified of something being so good for so long and then having it fall apart without any warning; or that I would be blind to warnings. And then it happen after you marry someone? After you make such a huge commitment you yourself, your partner, your families, your friends, God, whomever. It's so scary! And then the embarassment, wondering why you weren't good enough, your life literally falling apart, and if there are children involved...geez.
I'm not saying divorce isn't warranted. Obviously, it is in some cases. But it seems like the ultimate cop out for some who choose not to take marriage seriously. Marriage is maybe not right for everyone. I'm afraid that it won't be for me, even though I want it so badly.
I'm trying not to think about it so much and focus on what I want to do with my life. Which is hard; I feel like I have to routes I'd like to take (which is a whole other post!).
What say you? Are you afraid of marriage, too? Or am I just being really cynical here?
